Haruki Yee
March 10, 2011
English 100
Relating to Sarah Vowell
“Dad and I started bickering in earnest when I was fourteen, after the 1984 Democratic National Convention.” (page 434). The same would go for me, my dad and I started to things differently around this age. Nothing as elaborate as elections, more about seeing things from different points of view and not joining into his favorite hobby.
While Sarah’s dad made guns and my dad was a category 1 cyclist. For those who don’t know what a category 1 racer is its pretty much pro level. My dad said if he didn’t get into Cal Poly, his plan B was to move to France were cycling was the biggest back then. These are two very different hobbies but both Sarah and I had a difficult first experience. We know what happen to Sarah and you can guess what happen to me, being on a two wheel bike for the first time. I can still remember it like yesterday, age four just got my new two wheel bike with painted flames, red and yellow reflectors, and nice feeling grips. Later that night still some light out went behind the Safeway in Novato (were the new Paradise Foods is) and started to ride around with my dad’s help. Once I got use to it and my dad swears he told me that to break press back on the pedals. He let me go on my own and to both my surprise and my parents I went straight into a fence, which felt like I was going super fast. Lucky me dad was close behind me and caught me right before hitting the ground. Though feeling I felt was not quite like Sarah’s but looking at the ground and almost hitting is still very scary. Another bad experience is when I got my first road bike a Masi. My dad took me out for a ride that afternoon and on the way back I fell down trying to follow my dad’s line down a narrow windy two line hill at about 17 mph. While going down the hill a car came up and we were really close to the middle line on a turn. I got spooked and thought I needed to move back in the middle of our lane. Instead I fell down and got really bad road rash on my hip, calf, elbow, shoulder, and tricep because I didn’t slow down enough when moving back. After that fall it took me awhile to get back on my road bike not only because of my road rash but how the fall affected my mindset. Since that point I did not get on my bike for a long time and this would be where we start to see differently.
Unlike Sarah’s experience of shooting the gun, I still ride my road bike every now and then. Still riding my bike only came to me lately once I started to train more for my Jiu Jitsu tournaments and after understanding why my dad and I have different points of view. For Sarah found that her dad and she were not all that different. While for me I found why my dad and I had different points of view starting with our sports, cycling and Martial Arts. While my dad saw endurance more important than strength, I saw the opposite. We could both see that you needed endurance and strength but could not agree on which one was more important. It took me awhile to understand and start to see why we saw differently. I started Martial Arts at four and it has all I have really known. My dad on the other hand started to race at sixteen being the youngest for many of the races he participated in and winning or getting in top ten. Both sports have been major parts of our lives and have shaped us so. What I realize now is we are two people submersed into our sport and only really known what is best for our sport. My dad for his long fast paced races and my time limit muscle fights. In the end we still love each other but will all see our sport as superior.
1. What is the writer’s thesis? Can you find the statement? Is it the main point the rest of the essay works to develop? I couldn't really find a clear thesis, but there is a statement that relates to the rest of your paper. "The same would go for me, my dad and I started to things differently around this age. Nothing as elaborate as elections, more about seeing things from different points of view and not joining into his favorite hobby."
ReplyDelete2. What evidence is cited to prove and support the writer’s thesis? What pieces of evidence are cited from the readings and/or the writer’s observations to support the thesis?
"Dad and I started bickering in earnest when I was fourteen, after the 1984 Democratic National Convention.” (page 434).
3. Is the writer’s reasoning/critical thinking provided to explain how the evidence proves and supports the thesis?
You did a good job and relating your experience to sarah's. You make it very clear how your experience was significantly different than hers.
6. What’s strong about the essay?
Your critical thinking was very good in this essay, cite more evidence in your paper though. It will create an easier flowing paper with more citations and evidence.
Haruki,
ReplyDeleteYou have a very good story here about growing up. To me this sounded like your thesis: "What I realize now is we are two people submersed into our sport and only really known what is best for our sport. My dad for his long fast paced races and my time limit muscle fights. In the end we still love each other but will all see our sport as superior" Maybe if you give a couple more examples with detailed evidence of similarities between your stroy and Chang-rae Lee's. This is a perfect rough draft though. Its will be easy to add more information backing up your thesis. It was good how you showed how similar and different your stories are while staying focused.
Hello Haruki!
ReplyDeleteI believe you are using the wrong word on the following sentence “my dad and I started to things differently around this age.” Are you trying to say think differently? Or doing things differently?
Your introduction is too short and the thesis is not clearly stated. You should work on developing a thesis with this sentence “seeing things from different points of view and not joining into his favorite hobby.” and incorporate ideas from the following sentence “ we are two people submersed into our sport and only really known what is best for our sport. My dad for his long fast paced races and my time limit muscle fights. In the end we still love each other but will all see our sport as superior"
Try linking the sentences from your body paragraphs together. There is a lot of punctuation marks that you should revise.
Good luck,
Natalia
Haruki,
ReplyDeleteI like how you compared similarities between Sarah and yourself. You should work on developing your thesis, and give more examples to your first paragraph; it's too short. We want to know more about you and your father. Also you body is too long. Maybe you can some how break it up into several paragraphs, or some how incorporate it into your first paragraph so you can give it some length.
Also, I agree with Natalia about the sentence "my dad and I started to things differently around this age.” I think you meant to say "my dad and I started to do things differently around this age". And last I suggest revising on some punctuations. Good luck :)