Thursday, February 10, 2011

Essay 1


My Black Belt

Martial Arts is by far the most significant part of my life. I should start by explaining the picture you see. On the right is myself and to the left is my Sensei, picture was taken after my 1st Dan test in the dojo (Dan is first degree black belt also known as Shodan). I started when I was just four years old and have not stopped since. Now turning twenty in September, sixteen years or roughly eighty percent of my life I have been doing something I love and enjoy. So you could say that Martial Arts have shaped my life in someway or another. First of all Martial Arts have shown me how to be kind and respectful to others.
Starting Martial Arts at four years I was already kind and respectful to everyone around me. With Martial Arts I believe this trait has been permanently sketched into me. The reason for this is when I met difficult people when I work anywhere I am able to keep my cool and talk to the person. Comes in handy when working at a dojo with middle schoolers and high schoolers within a mile and have think-they-are-funny-teenagers come in. While learning to be kind and respectful to others is a great thing I learned something more important.
Confidence is the single most important thing that I have learned from Martial Arts. I was always a silent kid and only talk when I had to and if I did not like the teacher you would never see me talk. Me being silent and not liking my teacher came back to bite me in butt in sixth grade for my core teacher wanted to hold me back because I did not contribute in his class but still had a B in his class. If you had looked at my other class you would seen me with A’s and contributing in class. When I had heard this at first I was mad and disliked him even more but when next trimester came around you saw me contribute in the class more than others. Major reason for this is I just gotten first youth black belt in Taekwondo at age ten in December. At the end of the test my Sensei told me that about 1 in 100 people who start get their black belt. After I realized that a black belt is hard to achieve and I achieved it. Made talking in public an ease after that, making me feel right at home talking in front of people no matter how many. While Martial Arts taught me about my body and soul it also gave me a career choice.
I starting teach about six years ago when I entered high school, probability the best thing to happen to me back then. The reason for this was I hit a big bump my friends and people I started Taekwondo with were leaving for college or quitting. This put me in a difficult place where the only people I was training with were adults and not kids and friends, made going much harder. My Sensei asked me to help teach some of the classes and at first I did not know if I would like it. Six years later here I am still taking different Martial Art in the same place and teaching my own classes. Fun how stuff works out in life something I was unsure of at first might become my career choice. Though still not sure yet but in the mean time I have a job and really enjoying it. The best part is seeing the kids you teach grow and apply the moves; you get a feeling of some kind of accomplishment.
In the end you see how Marital Arts has been in my life and how it definitely shaped my life. Martial Arts has shown me what I am made of and saved me many times from others and myself (knowing who to roll when I fall down avoids many injuries). With Martial Arts in my life for so long and helping choose paths through life you can be sure I will continue for as long as I can.

5 comments:

  1. 1. What is the writer�s thesis? Can you find the statement? Is it the main point the rest of the essay works to develop? Martial arts, I believe that the statement is how martial arts is a huge part of this person’s life and how confidence is a key component which they did develop in their essay.

    2. What evidence is cited to prove and support the writer�s thesis? What pieces of evidence are cited from the readings and/or the writer�s observations to support the thesis?
    I do think that evidence is supported to prove the writer’s thesis for themselves personally but I think elaborating in more detail would have given a better feeling to the reader of what is meant by their confidence coming from martial arts.
    “Confidence is the single most important thing that I have learned from Martial Arts. I was always a silent kid and only talk when I had to and if I did not like the teacher you would never see me talk.”
    3. Is the writer�s reasoning/critical thinking provided to explain how the evidence proves and supports the thesis?
    Yes reasons and critical points were demonstrated in the reading to prove and support the thesis. Thinking possibly there could have been a bit more elaboration as to how many years it took in martial arts to build the confidence or more about the process of building this confidence.

    4. What else could the writer cite as evidence in this essay?
    I think that expanding on the areas of confidence and what the writer went through in more detail would have really given a better visual rather than just tell the story.

    6. What�s strong about the essay?
    The idea and strength of how the writer expressed the anguish of life before martial arts and how it changed the writer’s life building confidence.

    7. What other suggestions or feedback do you want to provide the writer?
    Elaborating in more detail using a few more feeling words and describing the visual image to help understand what this would be like if we didn’t know anything about martial arts.
    Very well put together rough draft!!

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  2. The thesis would be martial arts. You have a very well put together rough draft. I enjoyed reading your essay. It's very touching. You have captured the attention of the audience. it's touching that martial arts really opened up so many avenues into your life. The only thing that could make this essay a little bit better is give more examples of how it built your confidence, other than that it was great. I am glad martial arts has been such a great attribute to your life. Martial arts is a truely amazing sport that does teach you many different aspects of self control, self confidence ect. Good luck in your future:-)

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  3. Hello! I really like the way you incorporate martial arts into your daily life, explaining how it has shaped your personality. There are a lot of run-on sentences that you need to work on, check our rules for writer’s chapter 32 to get some help!
    Read your essay a couple of times, this sometimes helps me find where I need to pause and start a new paragraph, put a punctuation mark, or word my sentences better.
    Example: I starting teach about six years ago when I entered high school, probability the best thing to happen to me back then.
    About six years ago, when I entered high school, I started teaching martial arts; this is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me.

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  4. Hey =)
    I like how you picked martial arts as your topic. I remember you had told us alittle bit about your bakground in Martial arts. I got confused with some of your sentences, your wording seems to be confusing with the way you mean to say things. You need to reword some sentences. But how did this necesaraily build you into the person you are now?

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  5. It think all around very good paper. I liked that you pit a picture that had a very significant role in your life. you have several good body paragraphs. I would say you intro could use a clearer thesis I see it but could just use a little more work on clarity. Other than that I really liked your paper

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